Just a thought…

You know what? I’m starting to get sick of the vampire stories where a male vampire is terrified of snuggling with his human girlfriend because she’s essentially a walking bloodbag, and he’s jonesin’ for some AB neg (it was kinda cute with Nick/Nat back in the 90’s… but now with the latest crop of vampire fic, not so much).

It would be so refreshing to see a scene in any fic/show where it’s established vamps can’t/won’t have sex with humans, go something like this instead:

[cut to Vampire Dude and Human Chick in a liplock, before he gently pushes her to arms’ length from himself]

Vampire Dude: “Look, hon, I love you but I… we can’t do this.”

Human Chick: “Why? Are you… bloodlusting or…?”

Vampire Dude: “No, it’s not that. I’m in complete control of my urges, especially so when I’m around you.”

Human Chick: “So… you don’t want to pop my jugular like a juicebox and make hideous slurping noises?”

Vampire Dude: “What?! No! I’d never… Sweetheart, you know I love you, right? Believe me when I say that I would never harm you in any way. I’d sooner take a brisk walk at high noon than hurt you. Besides, vampires don’t actually kill when they feed. That’s just an old wives’ tale.”

Human Chick: “Ummmm… ok. So then what’s the problem?”

Vampire Dude: “Well, umm… if you want to have sex with me anytime soon, you’re doomed to disappointment. You realize that I don’t have much of a pulse, right? So… you know what that means…”

Human Chick: “…”

Vampire Dude: “[sigh] You’re not a med student, are you?”

Human Chick: “[shaking her head] I’m a liberal arts major.”

Vampire Dude: “[sigh] Well, that explains the blank look. Ok, forget the pulse thing then. You know how I’m always so cold to the touch, right?”

Human Chick: [nods]

Vampire Dude: “Well…. ummm… how can I put this? Ummm… do you remember the part in A Christmas Story where the kid licks a post?”

Human Chick: “Huh?” [then, the light finally dawns, and her face displays first surprise, then comprehension…] “Ohhhhh….” […then the final unhappy realization] “…oh!”

Vampire Dude: “Yeah.”

Human Chick: “…”

Vampire Dude: “…”

Human Chick: “Race ya to the hottub.”

Vampire Dude: “You’re on.”

There’s plenty of other ways to incite drama with a vampire/human couple, without invoking the Can’t Have Sex Ever trope. Also, not being able to place Tab A into Slot B doesn’t mean you can’t have any other kind of sexual contact.

TL, DR version: Hollywood fails Biology and Sex Ed. forever.

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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.

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