On the “friend zone.”

I wrote this below text over in Youtube’s comments section for the video 10 Signs You’re Stuck in the Friend Zone, in response to some dudebros who clearly don’t comprehend how real relationships work. I hope it sparks some constructive conversation on male/female relationships.

Please note that I am a demisexual woman with a male partner, so I’m speaking from my own experience here, as a woman who has only been involved with men. This doesn’t apply to LGBT relationships, as I do not have that kind of life experience.

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In response to someone saying that friendzoned men are “beta males” who end up as the woman’s second husband:

Better for a man to be the second husband than the guy she rushed into a relationship with and came to regret being married to in the first place. Because alpha males? Surprise – they’re MASSIVE assholes who think the world revolves around them, and are constantly in pissing contests with other males like they’re living out some prehistoric caveman fantasy. 

That arrogance can be misconstrued as confidence and ambition by those who don’t know any better. And, unfortunately, their spouses realize they married an absolute jerk too late because they only see the best parts of that alpha and are blinded to their flaws.

Yes, some women (and men alike) can be blind and stupid the first time around, and wise up later in life to the kind of person that really suits them. That’s why divorce exists in the first place. 

Realizing you screwed up and going your separate ways with someone who is NOT suitable to you is a smart decision that takes a little life experience to fully realize. It’s also why people are marrying later in life too… so that the person they marry WON’T be just one of many mistakes. And the kicker? She might be a little skittish at first, what with having been hurt before, and all. 

I’ve only ever loved three men in my life. Two were assholes who I was eventually relieved to be dumped by after a few short months (I cried afterward, yeah, but it was out of grief over losing love… not losing the guys in question). The man I plan to spend the rest of my days with? He’s NOTHING like them, and we’ve been together for three years – and we’d first been friends, and then it gradually became much more. 

Also? Yes, there IS such a thing as friendships between men and women. Just because she’s not sharing your bed doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about you. If she’s entrusted all her secrets to you, that bond is worth more than any gold or diamonds. Not all deep, loving bonds between human beings HAVE to have sex in order to function.

So, don’t knock it. You may not be first. But if you’re really a guy of quality (and not a “Nice Guy” TM) who truly cares about her happiness, she’ll love you best… no matter what her dance card looks like in the present. 

But that’ll only happen if said alpha males stop seeing women as walking, talking sex dolls, and start seeing us as PEOPLE.


In response to someone calling “bullshit” that men and women who are friends can become anything more:

The man I’m marrying soon was my friend first. We were friends for the first four months after we met, and now we have been a couple for nearly three years. We’ve been engaged since April of last year, and we will be tying the knot this October. And we’re both in our 30s, and this is the first marriage for us.

We’re so sure of it that, if by some twist of fate it doesn’t work out, we’ve both vowed that we’ll stay single afterward. But given the groundwork we’ve laid AS FRIENDS, made up of strong communication and solving issues constructively, splitting up is highly unlikely.

Because – surprise! – a woman can hold out because she’s unsure of her feelings. Like I was. A man of quality isn’t threatened by being in the “friend zone” and, like Kaitlyn said, it’s a safe way for us girls to know how you REALLY are.

So, if you’re bitter over being constantly friendzoned? The problem isn’t the ladies, honey… it’s YOU that’s the problem. Only a complete dickhead would have a problem with a woman trying to get to know you BEFORE she gets into bed with you.

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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.