The Signs as Iplier Egos (Part 1)

Aries is best represented by Actor Mark. Aries is the baby of the zodiac and, much like a baby is fascinated by its own fingers and toes, Aries tend to be absorbed with their own brilliance. The best of Aries types are as guileless as a wide-eyed newborn and will always be honest with you, while the worst Aries types are extremely self-centered. Key phrase: “I AM”.

Taurus is best represented by Google IRL. The Bull is deliberate in its actions, and is rarely moved to anger. But when they’re pissed? Well, the words “bull in china shop” fit them pretty well. Taurus can also be extremely stubborn and, when their mind has been made up, there’s no changing them. But they are also fairly dependable and are team players, being content to take their time working on the most arduous or unglamourous of tasks so long as their efforts are not wasted. Key phrase: “I HAVE.”

Note: Google’s most recent appearance was in “Google Gets an Upgrade” on May 20, 2017, when the sun was in Taurus.

Gemini is best represented by Damien and Celine. The sign of the Twins is a signal fire that this person is always of two minds, caught between their emotional and intellectual worlds. The best of the Geminis learn to navigate the ever-changing waters of their selfhood, becoming enlightened members of the scientific and artistic worlds. The worst of them get caught up in a mentality of victimhood, using it as an excuse to be cruel to others. Key phrase: “I THINK.”

Note: Darkiplier (who was later shown to be the amalgamation of Damien and Celine) debuted in “Don’t Blink” on June 19, 2012, when the sun was in Gemini.

Cancer is best represented by Dr. Iplier. Cancerians are the soft, sensitive, nurturing mothers of the zodiac (regardless of their actual gender or biological sex). Cancerians are generally focused on the welfare of their friends and family, and often become a substitute mom or dad for those who do not have reliable parents of their own. Cancerians are also extremely introverted by nature and, taken to an extreme, this little crab may never leave the family nest to create their own home. Key phrase: “I FEEL.”

Note: Mark Fischbach (aka Markiplier) was born under the sun sign of Cancer.


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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.