A filk I wrote in the LJ comm “whysofailsmeyer” when news broke that Bill Condon was hired as director for the Breaking Dawn film. The title, however, is a placeholder until I think of something better (or someone else comes up with a good one).
[EDWARD:] All my stalking has paid off!
Now those werewolves can lay off,
‘Cos my sweet Bella wants me
And we’ll have a half-vamp baby. [BELLA:] Edward, I love you even tho’ I hate my life
But I didn’t ask to be your new wife
I want a deeper kind of commitment for us
Tell ’em now, Greek chorus! [CHORUS:] She wants to be a vampire, vampire
She wants to be a sparkly vampire! [BELLA:] What’s this about a half-vamp baby? [EDWARD:] It’s in your contract, darling. [BELLA:] Hmmm… you’re right. [EDWARD:] See? We get married, have a freak-child… [BELLA:] And then I become a vampire? [EDWARD:] Yup! [BELLA:] Ok, that’s doable. [EDWARD/BELLA:] So we’re getting married today
A half-vampire freak child on the way
Who knew of such a twist
From an author who writes by playlist? [CHORUS:] They’re having a little baby, baby
They’re having a freaky half-vamp baby! [BELLA:] Wait… won’t having a vampire’s kid hurt me? [EDWARD:] Well, yeah… there’s that super-strength bit. [BELLA:] How bad will it be? [EDWARD:] Oh… it’ll just break your spine and crack your pelvis. [BELLA:] Can we renegotiate my contract? I didn’t sign up for this! [EDWARD:] Too late for that. At least you’ll be made a vampire right after. [BELLA:] Um… well, I guess I’ll do it. Not that I have much choice now. [EDWARD:] So we’re getting married today
And honeymooning on Isle Esme
‘Cos the Cullens are filthy rich
But I’ll be happy as Bella’s bitch. [BELLA:] We’re getting married today
I should probably go hide away
Having a chestburster for a young’un
Is not my idea of fun! [CHORUS:] They’re getting married today
Then it’s off to Isle Esme! [BELLA/EDWARD:] But just so the censors cut us some slack
We’re gonna have the picture fade to black! [CHORUS:] Fade to black!
Let the picture fade to black!
We gotta fade to black!
Now let’s fade to black! […and it does]