A Very Sparkly Wedding, Starring Edward and Bella

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A filk I wrote in the LJ comm “whysofailsmeyer” when news broke that Bill Condon was hired as director for the Breaking Dawn film. The title, however, is a placeholder until I think of something better (or someone else comes up with a good one).


[EDWARD:] All my stalking has paid off!
Now those werewolves can lay off,
‘Cos my sweet Bella wants me
And we’ll have a half-vamp baby.

[BELLA:] Edward, I love you even tho’ I hate my life
But I didn’t ask to be your new wife
I want a deeper kind of commitment for us
Tell ’em now, Greek chorus!

[CHORUS:] She wants to be a vampire, vampire
She wants to be a sparkly vampire!

[BELLA:] What’s this about a half-vamp baby?

[EDWARD:] It’s in your contract, darling.

[BELLA:] Hmmm… you’re right.

[EDWARD:] See? We get married, have a freak-child…

[BELLA:] And then I become a vampire?

[EDWARD:] Yup!

[BELLA:] Ok, that’s doable.

[EDWARD/BELLA:] So we’re getting married today
A half-vampire freak child on the way
Who knew of such a twist
From an author who writes by playlist?

[CHORUS:] They’re having a little baby, baby
They’re having a freaky half-vamp baby!

[BELLA:] Wait… won’t having a vampire’s kid hurt me?

[EDWARD:] Well, yeah… there’s that super-strength bit.

[BELLA:] How bad will it be?

[EDWARD:] Oh… it’ll just break your spine and crack your pelvis.

[BELLA:] Can we renegotiate my contract? I didn’t sign up for this!

[EDWARD:] Too late for that. At least you’ll be made a vampire right after.

[BELLA:] Um… well, I guess I’ll do it. Not that I have much choice now.

[EDWARD:] So we’re getting married today
And honeymooning on Isle Esme
‘Cos the Cullens are filthy rich
But I’ll be happy as Bella’s bitch.

[BELLA:] We’re getting married today
I should probably go hide away
Having a chestburster for a young’un
Is not my idea of fun!

[CHORUS:] They’re getting married today
Then it’s off to Isle Esme!

[BELLA/EDWARD:] But just so the censors cut us some slack
We’re gonna have the picture fade to black!

[CHORUS:] Fade to black!
Let the picture fade to black!
We gotta fade to black!
Now let’s fade to black!

[…and it does]
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Last updated on: May 29, 2018

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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.