FK Goes Commercial

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Author’s Note: A silly little ditty with Nick and Nat hawking Trojan condoms. Originally posted on in 2002, but I pulled it due to their policies.

Open on camera view of Nick’s loft. The camera is aimed at the TV. There’s a cop show on, with a car chase scene playing. During the course of the commercial, all we see of Nick and Natalie are their legs twining together as their feet rest on the coffee table. Nick and Natalie both speak their opening lines in a sensual tone of voice, as if they’re already… ahem… “involved”.

NICK: Miss Natalie Lambert, you’ve been a *very* bad girl. I’m going to arrest you.
NATALIE: I thought I was a very *good* girl. On what charges am I being arrested?
NICK: Indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, obstruction of justice,… (pause) attempted seduction of an officer of the law.
NATALIE: You’re going to have to use your handcuffs and knightstick on me, officer. I won’t come quietly.

Male backing vocalists sing the Trojan Man theme — heralding the arrival of the superhero dedicated to promoting safe sex and Trojan Condoms — and continue to hum the theme during the remainder of the commercial.

NICK (surprised, to Trojan Man): How did you get in here? I’m charging you with breaking and entering!
TROJAN MAN: No need, officer. I’m a law-abiding citizen. I simply want to help you better… ah… apprehend the lawbreaker.
NICK (not quite getting it): How’s that?
TROJAN MAN: With TROJAN CONDOMS. (we see a gloved hand place a packet of the aforementioned condoms on the coffee table) They’ve been specially designed with extra sensitivity in mind so you and your partner have a more *enjoyable* experience.
NATALIE (purring): Maybe I’ll get off on good behavior.
NICK (seductively): I’m sorry, Miss, but I have to take you in.
NATALIE: For how long?
NICK: For at least fifteen minutes.
NATALIE: Are you sure you won’t overlook those charges and come in for at least an hour?
NICK: I could possibly do that.
TROJAN MAN: My job is done here! (logo pops up on our screens) TROJAN, America’s Most Trusted Condom, for a more *stimulating* experience.


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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.