A bit of silliness inspired by frequent viewings of MTV’s claymation series Celebrity Deathmatch. I’m not really an X-Philer, so it’s probably obvious who will win. And if my X-canon’s off, I apologize. Contains some comedic violence and lewd humour, but it’s well within the boundaries of all three TV shows. (And no characters were actually harmed during the making of this fic.)
Johnny Gomez: Welcome back, Deathmatch fans! After an epic battle between Celine Dion and Mariah Carey, and a bout between *NSync and the Backstreet Boys, it’s now that time of night.
Nick Diamond: We’re talking about the Main Event, a long-awaited fight between Forever Knight’s Nick Knight and Natalie Lambert, and the X-Files’ Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
Johnny Gomez: The prize? The title of King and Queen of Science-Fiction Television, and a place in the Deathmatch Hall of Fame. Let’s go to Stacey Cornbread for the story.
Stacey Cornbread: Hi, Johnny! I’m here with Nick Knight and Natalie Lambert. (to Nick and Natalie) What would you like to say before the match?
Nick: I would just like to say that this wasn’t my idea. I’m not really into this sort of thing anymore. Fighting to the death, I mean.
Natalie: (gazing at the camera, grinning) I just wanna say that I appreciate everything the fans have done for us. Keep on fighting for the Knight, kids! Keep on writing those letters and fan fics! (waves)
Stacey: Nick, how do you feel about your fans’ devotion to you and the rest of the cast?
Nick: What Nat said.
(Stacey rolls her eyes as if to say, “what a diva! doesn’t even thank the ‘little people’ properly!”)
Nick: (noticing Stacey’s reaction) I mean,… how do you properly thank the people who basically made you?
Stacey: You’re at a loss for words?
Nick: (sighs) Yes.
Natalie: (teasing) That’s not normally like you.
(Nick’s only comment is a noise akin to a grunt. He’s never been all that talkative anyway.)
Stacey: (suddenly uncomfortable) Ummmm…. (with a smile plastered on her face) Back to you, Johnny!
Johnny Gomez: Alrighty then. (long pause, then taps finger against earpiece) I’ve just received word that both couples are ready to enter the ring. (pause) Both couples have now entered the ring. (view changes to a 90 degree camera angle above the ring) In the blue corner, those hunters of the paranormal, those decamators of alien destruction, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully! (cheer goes up from the crowd) And in the red corner, the couple who takes a bite out of crime, Nick Knight and Natalie Lambert! (a louder cheer goes up from the crowd)
Judge Mills: I want a good clean fight. Mulder, don’t start babbling about alien abductions. And Knight, keep your fangs to yourself. (Nick nods) Scully and Dr. Lambert, don’t use any medical techno-babble, our audience needs plain English here. (Scully and Natalie both nod) All right. Now let’s get it on!
Natalie: You’re toast, Scully!
Scully: Go to hell, bitch!
Natalie: Not before you!
(They start kicking, scratching and pulling each other’s hair. Meanwhile, Nick and Mulder are sitting on the sidelines [leaning against the ropes], watching the fight between Nat and Dana and having a surprisingly peaceful conversation… considering the venue.)
Nick: So, how’d you get into paranormal investigations?
Mulder: (quietly) My sister was abducted.
Nick: (sincerely) Oh, I’m sorry.
Mulder: (sighs) Yeah. (after a pause) So… how’d you get to be a vampire cop?
Nick: That’s a long loooong story.
Mulder: (sighs again) Oh well. We only have another 15 minutes anyway.
Nick: (regretfully) And I’ll have to kick your ass… which is a shame, ‘cos I’m starting to like you.
Mulder: (alarmed, angry) You’re not kicking *my* ass!
Nick: (in an uncharacteristically snide tone) Oh really? Just *who’s* the older, stronger one here? Do you *honestly* think you can beat me?
(Mulder falls silent.)
Nick: (smugly) I didn’t think so.
(Mulder remains silent, but it’s obvious he isn’t at all happy.)
(Meanwhile, Natalie’s doing a pretty good job of making mince meat out of Scully. She’s tied Scully to a slab and has begun to turn the X-Files babe into her first *live* autopsy… isn’t that an oxymoron?
As Natalie operates, blood shoots everywhere [remember guys, the characters appear on CD as animated clay figures, so it’s not *real* blood] and Scully dies on the table.)
Nick: (to Mulder) Well, it looks like I’ll have to kick your ass now.
(Mulder tries to run, but bumps right into Nick and falls to the canvas. Nick promptly bashes Mulder’s head in on the mat. Mulder manages to crawl away, and in desperation, grabs a conviently placed wooden table leg and prepares to stake Nick. He hits Nick in the back of the legs and Nick falls to the canvas, writhing in pain. Natalie comes to the rescue by slamming the stake into Mulder’s heart.
Natalie, after a *very* careful inspection ::nudge nudge, wink wink::, declares Nick in good health and helps him up. Mills grabs Nick and Nat by the hand.)
Mills: The winners! (A deafeningly loud cheer goes up as he raises their hands into the air, then lets them go.)
Natalie: (now in Nick’s arms) Oh Nick, I was so worried! He could’ve staked you! My heart was in my mouth the whole time!
Nick: Well, he didn’t, because you were there. And… (smiles suggestively, with his eyes faintly glowing gold) if we can find a place to be alone for awhile, I plan on showing you how grateful I am.
Natalie: (in a purr) Ooohhh baby!
(He picks her up to carry her, and vanishes.)
Nick Diamond: Where’d they go?
Johnny Gomez: (after a long pause, taps his earpiece) We have just recieved word that they have returned to their hotel and are… celebrating their victory. We weren’t allowed inside, but we do have a camera available.
(Camera view of the door to their hotel suite. Inside, there’s a heavy rhythmic thumping sound and a certain female voice screaming in ecstasy. As the thumping continues, the camera, pictures hanging on the wall, and the light table against the wall [as well as the vase standing on top of it] shake violently. Each scream is counterpoint to every thump. Finally, she manages to use English.)
Natalie: Oh Nick! (thump) Oh *God*, yes! (thump) Oh! (thump, pant, thump) Damn you! (thump) Take me… (thump) take me now!
(A lion-like growl is heard, followed by a series of rhythmic thumps and an orgasmic scream [simultaneously]. The vase rolls off the table and crashes to the floor as the camera angle tilts suddenly, then the picture and sound are lost.)
Nick Diamond: (after camera view changes back to the deathmatch ring) Well, that fight was certainly…. er, stimulating.
Johnny Gomez: Indeed. Unfortunately, it’s *that* time of night… the end of our show. For Celebrity Deathmatch, this is Johnny Gomez…
Nick Diamond: and I’m Nick Diamond…
Johnny Gomez: saying good fight, good Knight!