Normal Guy vs. Edward Cullen vs. Lord James Grey the Cat

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Inspiration: That cursed Normal Guy vs. Edward Cullen list some Twihard originally wrote, as well as playing with my and my Mum’s cats. Lord James Grey is my Mum’s cat (we usually just call him “James”). He’s a beautiful purebred Russian Blue that I rescued off the street. His name was her idea, not mine (I wanted to call him Squeaky McSqueakerson, because of the cries he makes, but I was vetoed).


A normal guy would say: ‘I love you Baby!’

Edward Cullen would say: ‘You are my life now.’

James would rub his face against whatever part of your body is within reach (usually the shins, but sometimes the back or arms).


Normal Guy would say: ‘I think I am falling for you.’

Edward Cullen would say: ‘The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb’

James would flop onto his side, squirm around and give you the Cute Stare until you break down and pet him for being so adorable. Then he’d start purring.


Normal Guy would say: ‘You hair looks like a haystack; go brush it!’

Edward Cullen would say: ‘Your hair looks like a haystack but I like it.’

James would walk all over your hair until you get up and feed him.


A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.

Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.

James doesn’t understand music, because he’s only a cat. But, if you dangle a fancy string or catnip mouse in front of him, he’ll entertain you for hours. Same thing goes with that hollow-ball-with-a-bell-inside… and he’ll also pick that ball up with his teeth and parade around with it in his mouth, because he’s proud of himself for figuring out how to carry it.


If you die, a normal guy would find another.

If you die, Edward would kill himself because life without you isn’t worth living.

If you die, James would be confused about why you’re gone and would curl up in the spot you used to sleep in every night, so he’d be surrounded by your smell for as long as possible.


As you leave the house, a normal guy would say: “Bye, see ya!”

As you leave the house, Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me, love.”

As you leave the house, James would try to follow you to the door and would look at you with sad eyes because he can’t follow you. Then he’d run over to the window and watch you walk to the car.


While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: ‘I miss you.’

While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: ‘It’s like you’ve taken half of myself with you.’

While you’re away, James would doze off on your bed. The house is boring without you.


As you come back to the house, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice.

As you come back to the house, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.

As you come back to the house, James would hear the door being unlocked and trot into the living room. He’d watch you come in and then peer behind you, on-guard for any unexpected visitors and making sure you’re in one piece.


A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.

Edward Cullen would make you breakfast every day.

If James could open the cans himself, he would. Instead, he’ll beg you on his hind legs, like a dog, to lick the spoon as an appetizer. Then he’ll cry at you until you put his dish down on the floor. He also cries and paws at the bathroom door when he wants water.


While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.

Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.

Most restaurants don’t allow animals. And James is a housecat, so he doesn’t get to leave the house much, anyway. But when you eat at home, James twines around your legs. He’ll also give you the Cute Stare if he smells anything with cheese on it.


A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.

Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.

James, during a car ride, will cry intermittently because he HATES being in a carrier.


A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.

Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.

James would flop beside you and nuzzle his cold, wet nose against you. It’s hard to stay upset when you’ve got such adorable company.


A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.

Edward Cullen buys you a car.

James is a cat, so he can’t buy you anything. But he’s got plenty of love to offer.


A normal guy does it with everyone.

Edward Cullen only does it with one.

James has been fixed, so he doesn’t do it at all. Besides, he’s PURR-fectly content with the affection you give him.

 

Because living with a human who loves him? It’s the best life a cat could ever ask for.

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Last updated on: May 30, 2018

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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.