The New Deal

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Inspired by my own “Darkiplier for President” post, that I reblogged earlier. It’s blatant wishful thinking on my part regarding our current man in the Oval Office. If you don’t like even the slightest illusion to politics in your fic, then don’t read.


(Originally posted with this gif by ozzkat on Tumblr.)


The president was giving a State of the Union speech live to the American public. He didn’t see the shadows and black smoke creeping behind him and blocking out the light from the windows. He was too busy talking to the camera, chest puffed out and preening.

It was his first such speech, as giving a State of the Union address required that the current president be in the Oval Office for at least one year.

And what a year it had been.

“…The scourge of our planet today is a small group of rogue regimes that violate every principle on which the United Nations is based. They respect neither their own citizens nor the sovereign rights of their countries. If the righteous many do not confront the wicked few, then evil will triumph. When decent people and nations become bystanders to history, the forces of destruction only gather power and strength.”

A deep, distinctly masculine voice echoed from somewhere just off-screen. “And your citizenry would know all about that, Mr. President, considering what you and your constituents turned their home country into during your tenure.

“Who’n hell are you?” the current Commander in Chief demanded, for the first time sounding afraid amid his bluster. “What are you?”

Oh, let’s just say I’m the one who intends to repair the damage you have caused,” the strange newcomer replied. “What’s that phrase you enjoyed using in your previous line of work?” There was a pause, with a brief silence so deep, one could have heard a pin drop in the room. “Oh, yes. ‘You’re fired.’

The reality TV star turned politician opened his mouth to say something… but he began to choke. The black smoke that had billowed around him now forced its way into his throat, around his body. It squeezed like a Burmese python, until the man was rendered unconscious, dangling unnaturally, like a broken toy.

The shadowy coils receded, and a pale pair of hands shoved the limp body out of the way. The body hit the floor with a dull thud.

A well-dressed man, black hair combed back carefully, sat in the newly-emptied chair. His deep-set dark eyes gazed at the camera lens as if able to see the viewers watching. The coils of darkness retreated into the man’s fit yet imposing form. He absently smoothed down the lapel of His jacket, before He spoke.

Good evening to you, gentle people of the United States. You don’t know Me yet, but you soon will. As you likely have surmised, I am not like your current leader.

What you just saw was no trick of the light, no computer generated effect. It is not something I particularly relish, causing violence against an unarmed man, but it was a small sample of what I can do. Not only am I not like him, but I am also not like you.

It may be difficult to believe at first, but I will not lie to you: I am a God, and I have seen how you have suffered for so long. You have been under the yoke of a corrupt government who cares nothing for its people, and I will not allow this.

On your behalf, I am taking control. Your country, and all its people, now belong to Me. But you have nothing to fear. You will be cared for, now that you are under my protection.

Life for the poorest of you will improve, providing you all with living wages and free health care, so that you may feed your families and ensure that you will not grow sick with easily preventable diseases.

Give Me the four years you ask of any of your mortal leaders, and I will change this world for you all. No more war, no more sickness, no more violence, no more hatred, no more meaningless deaths. All in just a few short years.

A man, however powerful, cannot promise you this. But I can. And I will deliver on that promise. All I need… is for you to trust Me.

And I understand why you hesitate. You all have been lied to over and over by your leaders… which is why I will provide an example for you, a sign for you to believe in Me. Believe in Me, as your new God, and I will not let that belief go unanswered.

You have seen how those who pretend to follow the edicts of a deity of peace and light twist those beliefs into falsehoods, all for their own benefit. But I am not of the Light. I am the Dark, and in Me you will find comfort and rest.

You and you alone are the ones who must choose whether to follow Me, and your voices will be heard… and counted. I will await your answer patiently.

Until we meet again, My chosen. Consider your options wisely.


The “State of the Union address” by the president is actually excerpted from Trump’s speech to the United Nations, given on 19 September 2017. You can read the full transcript here. (He won’t have been in office long enough to actually give an SotU address until the end of January 2018.)

Dark’s speech was written entirely by me.

The title of this fic is also a Trump diss. I’m sure you can figure it out. 🙂

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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.