The Perfect Boyfriend: Take Two

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Inspired by lisaerin’s sporking of the “Normal Guy vs. Edward Cullen” list, and a “sequel” to blueinkedpalm’s “The Perfect Boyfriend”. Tweaks the original comparison between the normal guy and the needy/clingy creep Edward Cullen, and edited to include some of my favorite male characters. Contains some off-color jokes referencing drinking, violence and sex. Written for the TwiSpiteFic community at LJ.

A normal guy would say: “I love you, baby!”

Edward Cullen would say: “You are my life now.”

Nick Knight wouldn’t say anything ‘cos he’s not that talkative when it comes to the feelings stuff. But he’d be willing to snuggle with you.

Jack Sparrow would say: “You an’ me, two peas in a pod. Savvy?”

Sweeney Todd would say: “THESE are my friends. *brandishes razors* Not you.”

Gambit would say: “Je t’adore ain’t strong enough to describe Gambit’s feelings for you, petite.”

Normal Guy would say: “I think I am falling for you.”

Edward Cullen would say: “You’re my brand of heroin.”

Nick Knight would say: “You’ll never know how much I care about you.” Because he isn’t nearly as clingy (or creepy) as Wardo.

Jack Sparrow would say: “You’re like the best rum, only you never run out.”

Sweeney Todd would say: “Don’t bother me. I’m polishing my razors.”

Gambit would say: “Chere, you don’t know what you do to poor Gambit’s heart.”

Normal Guy would say: “You hair looks like a haystack; go brush it!”

Edward Cullen would say: “Your hair looks like a haystack but I like it.”

Nick Knight would be too smart to say anything, but he might gently suggest a great hair product you might like. He hasn’t survived 800 years by being a tactless douchenozzle, after all.

Jack Sparrow would say: “Aye, you’re beginnin’ to look like a true pirate now. Skip a few baths, and you’ll be in the gang in no time flat.”

Sweeney Todd would glare at that mess you call hair, then grin maniacally at you. “How ’bout a cut?”

Gambit would say: “How about we go back to bed, petite, and you can mess Gambit’s hair to match?”

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.

Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.

Nick has more talent than Edward, and might play you a classical piece he wrote about you… but only if you ask nicely, and only if he’s positive you genuinely want to hear it. Otherwise, cranking up the stereo is perfectly serviceable, right?

Jack Sparrow would get the Black Pearl’s crew to sing a particularly bawdy shanty in your honor.

Sweeney Todd wouldn’t concern himself with such silliness. Unless your name is Lucy.

Gambit would play music to set the mood, for some Cajun-style home cookin’. 😉

If you die, a normal guy would find another.

If you die, Edward Cullen would kill himself because life without you isn’t worth living.

If you die, Nick Knight would be single for a long time, yeah. But he’d get over it eventually, and he’d find something awesome to do in your memory. (A cool painting to immortalize your hawt, sexy face and ‘tude? Hell yes!)

Jack Sparrow would immediately go to Tortuga, get himself wasted on rum, slapped by several buxom wenches… and stumble upon an unnamed island rumored to be the home of forgotten Spanish treasures, and he’d name the island after you.

Sweeney Todd would probably have been the one who killed you, in the first place.

Don’t be fooled by his easygoing attitude. Gambit would be quite upset over your death. He’d eventually get over it, though.

As you leave the house, a normal guy would say: “Bye, see ya!”

As you leave the house, Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me, love.”

As you leave the house, Nick Knight would tell you that he fixed the transmission on your car so it won’t make those funny noises anymore, and to drive carefully.

As you leave the house, Jack Sparrow would say: “G’wan an’ bring yerself that horizon… but bring some rum back for me. Savvy?”

As you leave the house, Sweeney Todd would mutter: “Good riddance.”

As you leave the house, Gambit would say, with a sly grin: “Chere, you best not keep Gambit waiting too long. Gambit got a nice and special surprise for you, when you come back.”

As you come back to the house, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice.

As you come back to the house, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.

As you come back to the house, Nick Knight would acknowledge your presence with a “Hey, got what you were looking for?”, then promptly go back to watching TCM.

As you come back to the house, Jack Sparrow would ask, “Where’s the rum?”

As you come back to the house, Sweeney Todd would mutter, “This pathetic git? Not again…”

As you come back to the house, Gambit would say: “How ’bout you like some of Gambit’s sweet jambalaya? Nothin’ better after a long day of shoppin’, petite.”

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.

Edward Cullen would make you breakfast every day.

Nick Knight doesn’t even bother with coffee, let alone a full breakfast. But you’re perfectly welcome to use his kitchen however you want… since it’s mostly superfluous to him, anyway, what with being a vampire and all.

Jack Sparrow would offer you some rum. Breakfast is for landlubbers.

Sweeney Todd wouldn’t offer you anything resembling breakfast… unless you’re not adverse to eating pies which contain meat of questionable origin.

Gambit would make you breakfast… in bed, hot and spicy, just for you. 😉

While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.

Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.

Nick Knight would stare at the cute waitress, then rescue himself out of the doghouse with you by mentioning that he was just thinking of how nice those tight jeans she was wearing would look on you. Yeah, that was it. Just window shopping. Yeah.

Jack Sparrow would try to stare at the waitress. Try, because he’d be too gorked on rum to see straight.

Sweeney Todd would be fantasizing about making a hat-rack out of her hands. Or, if the waitress is a blonde, wistfully remembering his beloved Lucy.

Gambit would check out the girl and, when you get annoyed, he would say: “You know Gambit love only you, chere, but don’t mind lookin’ at the merchandise.”

A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.

Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.

Nick Knight, while driving, would flashback to the first time he drove a Tin Lizzie.

Jack Sparrow, while driving, would keep staring at his magic compass.

Sweeney Todd, while driving, would deliberately plow into pedestrians.

Gambit would pull over ASAP to make out with you.

While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: “I miss you.”

While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: “It’s like you’ve taken half of myself with you.”

Nick Knight would call to ask you about how your trip’s going, trying NOT to clue you in to the fact that he misses you. But he does, very much so, and that’s why he’s called in the first place and hopes you’re having an awesome time. Aww!

Jack Sparrow would be wailing over the phone, “Why’s the rum gone?”

Sweeney Todd wouldn’t’ve cared that you left.

Gambit would say: “Gambit be thinkin’ you spendin’ too much time without his charms. Gambit know you miss him, petite. And Gambit can’t wait to show you how much he miss you.”

A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.

Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.

Nick Knight sleeps like the dead himself, and is no stranger to nightmares. He might ask you if you want to talk about it. Whether you want to talk or not, he’d cuddle with you until you’re calmer and would reassure you it was just a bad dream.

Jack Sparrow would have you drink enough rum so that you fall unconscious in a puddle of your own drool.

Sweeney Todd would be the source of your nightmares.

Gambit would say: “Come on over here, chere, and let ol’ Gambit give you something nice to dream about.”

A normal guy does it with everyone.

Edward Cullen only does it with one.

Nick Knight has been a bachelor for 500 out of his 800 years. To say that he hasn’t spent that time living like a monk would be an understatement. But that means he’s perfect if you’re a girl who prefers a man with… experience. 😉

Jack Sparrow likes to think he’s a seafaring Casanova. The amount of slaps to the face he gets from buxom wenches suggests otherwise.

Sweeney Todd does it with no one, because he’s too obsessed with revenge and bloodletting.

Gambit is less of a lady’s man than you think. But he does love women!

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.

Edward Cullen buys you a car.

Nick Knight — when he actually remembers your birthday or anniversary — would give you something personal like a painting he made, or a CD of your favorite piano music that he recorded for you (because he’s mega-talented in a variety of ways, this won’t be difficult for him). But if he’s forgotten before the last possible minute (which is more likely), it’ll be flowers and chocolate.

Jack Sparrow will give you rum. Who says it isn’t a gift from the heart?

Sweeney Todd will give you nothing. But you’re free to loot the corpses, if you like.

Gambit will always give you the gift of his lovin’ Cajun heart.

A normal guy can help a normal girl to stake a vampire pestering them.

Edward Cullen would be the vampire pestering you.

Nick Knight will happily stake any of his kind who’ve turned into a creepy undead stalker, in order to keep you safe.

Jack Sparrow will fight the undead creep in order to run away… and possibly end up staking the vampire in the process entirely by accident.

Sweeney Todd would make a nice sparkly sculpture out of the undead lummox trying to horn in on his turf.

Gambit would stack his deck and throw a charged ace of spades at the undead jerk, blowing him right up. “Gambit sure that loogaroo won’t come back, chere. This time, your unwanted houseguest stay dead.”


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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.