We’ll Always Have Cooties

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A sci-fi farce including the personalities on the Anti-Madonna message board. Follow the antis as they face off with mad scientist Madonna, who is plotting to control the world with her musical earworms, helped along by a Narrator who can’t stop talking.


1: We’ll Always Have Cooties

Narrator: On the edge of a fourth-rate galaxy called the Milky Way, in a ninth-rate solar system, revolving around a eight-rate sun, is a third-rate planet called Earth. And on the edge of the 21st century, in a second-rate country called…

Knightmuzic: Ahem! Can we speed this up a little? You know we’re pressed for time here.

Narrator: Oh! Right, right. Where was I? Oh yes! In an underground facility in an undisclosed location somewhere in America, our intrepid heroes, the Anti-Madonna Squad, are faced with some unfortunate news…

Knightmuzic: I sense a disturbance in the Force. Wait… wrong person’s line, wrong movie.

The 1 Not Fooled: Flea Dip’s been kidnapped! Body-snatched! Stolen! Abducted! Apprehended!

Knightmuzic: ….

The 1 Not Fooled: Filched! Taken! Seized! Nabbed! Nicked! Poached!

Knightmuzic: Uh… I think the audience gets the point there, 1NF.

The 1 Not Fooled: (wearing bifocals and flipping through a thesaurus) Swiped! Spirited Away! SHANG-HAI’ED!

Dramatic music: DUN-DUN-DUHHHHHN!

Mihoshi Marie: Uh… where’s that dramatic music coming from?

Anna: Yo, girls! Check this out!

Everyone else: What?

Anna: I just scored 1,000,000 points on Silent Hill!

Everyone else: *grumble*

Anna: Psyche! I actually found out who got carried away with Flea. *gigglesnort* I made a funny!

Knightmuzic: Ok, who is it?

Anna: Madonna and her minions… erm, I mean fans. Who else?

Knightmuzic: Wow. That’s about as predictable and derivitive as “The Next Best Thing”.

Ironshadow: Well, you’re the director, Knight!

Knightmuzic: Umm, right. So where is she?

Anna: At…. (dramatic pause) …Madonna’s Mansion of Doom!

Dramatic music: DUN-DUN-DUHHHHHN!

Mihoshi Marie: …Am I the only one who hears that?

Narrator: Meanwhile, at Madonna’s Mansion of Doom!

Madonna: I am so clever! With my synthesized music laden with subliminal messages, I have fooled the humans into buying Madonna merchandise! With all the millions of products sold that are infested with mind-controlling cooties, I can raise an army of worshippers to do my bidding! Behold, the evilness of my scheme! MWAHAHA! My laugh is an evil laugh!

Flea Dip: Yawn. We already knew that.

Madonna: Ah, but you didn’t really know that I am secretly the Gao’uld System Lord Esther. Wait… DAMNIT!

Flea Dip: Haha! You just exposed the major plot twist of this movie, in under 5 minutes! Now all that remains to be seen is for the AM Squad to defeat you and break your hold over humanity. Which we will. ‘Cos we’re the good guys. And the good guys always win in science fiction movies.

Madonna: (pouting) Damnit. Oh well. That doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun torturing you.

Flea Dip: (sarcastically) Oh no. Somebody please help. An old bag of vampire bones is going to torture me.

Madonna: Oh, you’ll find your outlook a little different this way. (crappy pop music is suddenly piped in from nowhere and she starts singing and writhing around on the floor) Like a virgin! Touched for the very first tiiiiime!!!

Flea Dip: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Narrator: Will the AM Squad be able to rescue Flea Dip before she goes insane from the torture? Will Madonna’s hold over humanity finally be broken? Will Mihoshi Marie finally figure out where that dramatic music is coming from? Will I stop asking stupid questions like this? Find out on the next installment of “We’ll Always Have Cooties!”

*To Be Continued… maybe?*


2: Son of We’ll Always Have Cooties

Narrator: After our extended commercial break, we’re now back at the Anti-Madonna Squad Headquarters!

Melissa: I’m the new and super-improved Knightmuzic with kung-fu chop action!

Mihoshi Marie: You look good!

Melissa: Thanks! *grins widely, poses* Anyway, we need a plan to save our Fearless Leader!

Ironshadow: I say we go in blastin’!

Melissa: *facepalm* That’s your solution to everything!

Ironshadow: *miffed* It’s a good solution, where Madonna’s concerned!

Narrator: Suddenly, a visitor arrives!

Mihoshi Marie: Hey, I thought this base was supposed to be top-secret!

Melissa: Nobody will remember the continuity issue when the epic battle occurs in a later installment.

Justin Timberlake: *collapses on the floor* Oh, thank God I found you!

M’Dolla: Isn’t that a Mariah Carey song?

Melissa: Mariah shows up in a future installment. *realizing what she said* Oops…

Noone: Aren’t us movie characters supposed to keep crucial plot points a secret?

Melissa: Obviously, you haven’t seen any Harry Potter movies…

Noone: What does THAT have to do with anything?

Everyone else: *exchanges significant looks*

Melissa: *sigh* Nevermind. Anyway, J-Dawg, what’s the 411?

M’Dolla: That’s a Mary J. Blige album title!

Justin Timberlake: She Who Must Not Be Named… *gasp* has… *cough* secret… *choke* weapon!

Rayca: What’s with the Harry Potter references?

Melissa: I watched three of the movies back-to-back last night. So sue me. Anyway, right. Secret weapon. Did you see it, JT?

Justin Timberlake: *nods raggedly* Big… cootie… gun! Take… over… the world!

Melissa: And I suppose all we’ve got is four minutes?

Justin Timberlake: *sags on floor* Lame pun… is lame!

Dramatic music: DUN-DUN-DUHHHHHN!

Mihoshi Marie: Ok, THAT one came in late!

Melissa: Marie, toss our convenient plot device in the showers. He reeks of Madonna’s Booger Patrol… er, I mean “fans”.

Mihoshi Marie: ‘Kay! *cheerfully snaps on rubber gloves and hauls JT towards the showers*

Melissa: Seems we’ve got no time for a carefully conceived plan, so we’re goin’ in blastin’!

Ironshodow: YAY! I’m driving! *runs to the Super Suds Tank with Hygeine CannonTM*

Melissa: Iron! WAIT! We gotta suit up! You don’t want to risk infection with her Anti-Talent Germs, do you?!?

Ironshadow: No… *pouts* Ok… but I’m still driving!

Narrator: Meanwhile, at Madonna’s Mansion of Doom!

Madonna: The Force is strong in this one…

Flea dip: First the Harry Potter references, and now we’re back to Star Wars. Can these jokes get any more derivative?

Madonna: You DO realize I don’t have the talent to come up with witty villain repartee, right? *sighs* No matter! Anyway, more stringent methods of torture will be called for since you resisted my previous torture methods.

Flea dip: Because you don’t have the talent to come up with better ideas. You let your mad scientists… er, I mean “producers” do the dirty work.

Madonna: That may be true, but every few years, my “producers” come up with a brilliant… ah, “marketing plan” I can bank on!

Flea dip: Ok, while you’re busy gloating over the brilliance of stealing other people’s work… we’re running out of time.

Madonna: I suppose it’s a moot point to mention I don’t have saving the world in mind? *clears throat, which sounds like an odd hacking sound, then cackles* Anyway, new torture!

Flea dip: But, like you said, I resisted all your tortures. Maybe I’m just untorturable!

Madonna: I beg to differ. After all, no one can resist… THE EARWORMTM! *brandishes a really ugly looking worm which, instead of screeching at it’s potential victim, utters the synth bassline of “American Life”*

Dramatic music: DUN-DUN-DUHHHHHN!

Flea dip: *gulp* I suppose another protracted scream isn’t out of the question?

Narrator: Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE COOTIES!! *dramatic echo*

*To Be Continued… definitely!*

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Last updated on: May 29, 2018

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Mostly, I write stuff. And, like the Egyptians and the Internet, I put cat pictures on my walls. Also, I can read your Tarot.